So what makes the world get pregnant? What is it about nine months of bloated feet and shrunken bladder that we human beings look forward to? Since the time it came into being, to the time it will possibly self-annihilate, the human race has always had for itself in store -- nine months of eternity.

25th November 2000
(Geeta Shah Bhatia, 27, part time lifestyle magazine columnist, full time pregnant.)

Throughout our lives we assume touch to be an external sense. The loving touch of a father. The tender touch of a mother. The sensual caress of a lover. Today I experienced another kind of touch. This wasn't the first time but the exhilaration was still new, like it is every time my unborn baby touches me from within. I had felt it move, floating inside my womb, seeking reassurance from my heartbeat.

8 months ago, 5th April
Geeta

I am pregnant. Didn't believe when the home-pregnancy-kit showed positive. But no doubts now. The tests are out. I am going to become a mother! The look on Avinash's face was priceless. He was thrilled beyond words.

8 months ago, 5th April
(Avinash Bhatia, 30, Brand Manager for a popular chocolate brand, petrified father-to-be)

Mea culpa! Mea culpa? How? Okay, stupid question. But why? Why now? Not now! People warn you against AIDS, venereal diseases. Nobody warns you enough about that catastrophic side effect of sex: fatherhood. Looking back, an STD would have been welcome. At least there would have been a cure. But a baby? A baby! Too dumbstruck to speak. Or write!

19th May
Geeta

Sixth day of constipation. Here is what the 'Ultimate Book on Pregnancy' has to say for my dilemma. 'Eat fiber. It seems to help in some cases.' Beats Douglas Adams' 'Mostly harmless'. Blah! I have eaten so much 'fiber' in my diet that Avinash thinks that I am beginning to look more like a carrot each day. Go ahead, add insult to injury.

4th June
Geeta

Still sick. Everything tastes salt-less. My system has also taken to storing and passing gas. Apart from the humiliation of it all, our bedroom smells like a Nazi gas chamber. What happened to the joys of motherhood? Is it a myth? For me, it's the biggest lie after Santa and all those foolproof diets I write about.

22nd July
Avinash

Things have gone from bad to worse. And it's just beginning to get ugly. Geeta, my docile, soft spoken, comely, homely wife is now a cross between Medusa, Mahakali and Nike. She bites at the slightest provocation, smells nothing like the faint whiff of Envy (her favourite perfume), and has not yet shown many signs of acquiring any semblance of that much talked about pregnancy glow. I am not running away but I need my space.

23rd July
Avinash

I saw it. I saw the heart beat; saw the tiny hands, feet, spinal cord. Perfect. My baby. Tiny but complete. It sucks its thumb. It goes to sleep. I wonder if he can hear me talk to Geeta. I am going to be a dad! :) 15th December is the due date. Geeta was glowing. I am so much in love with her.

5th August
Geeta

It moved! My baby moved! It wasn't altogether a kick or anything, but I felt it. I felt life growing inside me. It beats everything else. Life is just so perfect. Well, almost. I could do without Mummyji's ghastly aalu paranthas when all I crave for are some juicy dhoklas and undhiyu. Should visit that new Gujarati joint that got featured in the magazine last month.

24th August
Avinash

Am reading a book for equipping myself with some basic skills that will make any dad look like a hero to his children, such as How to Skip a Rock, How to Change a Sparkplug, How to Carve a Whistle and How to Identify Five Icky Things Under a Rock. There's no mention of a follow up chapter about carting Dad to the emergency room after he whittles off his thumb or gets bitten by an unidentified icky thing. The book claims 'knowing how to do these things will raise children's self esteem, increase their confidence and foster self-reliance.' This book might also scare children to death when they realize their dolt of a dad needed instructions to learn how to skip a rock.

29th September
Geeta

One visit to the beauty-parlour. 7 visits to the washroom. The only thing that gets smaller during pregnancy is your bladder. The pedicure too wasn't a big hit. For the uninitiated, pregnant women cannot see their toenails, let alone reach them for any type of painting, filing, or moisturizing. Therefore, the poor pedicure lady had her work cut out for her. The varicose veins from my lovely child also seemed to bother her. She worked diligently for what seemed like forever and then had the nerve to say “My, my, you have very dry feet.” I wanted to respond, “Really? Thanks for letting me know. I haven't seen them in weeks.” Still no dhoklas. Wish Maa would drop in soon and Avinash would stop being a prick. I told him about his breath.

29th September
Avinash

There is no telling what will irk her. I told her that there is no way I can believe that the baby weighs 17 kgs and all hell broke loose. She even accused me of not loving her and while she was at it, mentioned that I have bad breath. The pedicure too, I hear, did not go well. The carpenter is here. Still here, I mean. What was to take one week is now well into the third week. And it's Geeta who does all the complaining. Note: Buy a large bottle of Listerine.

1st October
Geeta

Flabby thighs, cellulite multiplying even right now. All those fashion tips on looking thinner look good only in print. They have no practical value. Ask a pregnant woman who has just realized that the reason more and more strangers are smiling at her is because she is fatter than they are. I am beginning Yoga classes tomorrow. If nothing else, it might help reduce long term side effects of the pregnancy.

2nd October
Geeta

Can you picture this? Pregnant woman in a yoga class, lying on her stomach, belly suspended, arms and legs flailing around. The instructor sighed patiently and we did make it through the session with uncomfortable positions and even more awkward silence. I think that what happened in the evening was a direct outcome of the doomed session. The baby seemed to have taken to kicking me every 40 seconds. Can you imagine the jitters? The horror trip prevailed till we arrived at my cool as cucumber gynaec's clinic, who wisely proclaimed, “Baby hiccups. Completely normal.” Now you're telling me!

14th November
Avinash

Geeta's Maa is here. So is the Gujarati cuisine. Geeta loves these meals, I hate them. Cranky wife. Hyper mother. Over-enthusiastic mother-in-law. Add to that a carpenter who refuses to leave my home and a crazy boss who constantly sits on my ass like a dirty diaper. I can't go through this much longer. When was that baby due?

24th November
Geeta

It's a big baby with a lot less room to move around now and I can now identify which is a foot kicking and which is an elbow poking. I can sense its eagerness to come out into the world. I am waiting.

12th December
Avinash

Any time now. Any time now. Any time now. Any time now… Aaarrrghhh!!!

19th December 2000
(Avinash Bhatia, proud father of a tiny daughter)

She has Geeta's eyes and my smile. Okay, she hasn't smiled yet, but I am sure she will. In the last nine months, I have amassed 6 books on pregnancy; hit 48 websites on dealing with pregnancy traumas, dealing with mood swings, swollen feet, water retention, constipation, morning sickness… I am an authority on midnight joints for pista ice-cream, and ice cold yoghurt. I know every anti-stretch mark cream available in the market. I have also been called thoughtless and selfish and have been informed that I have bad breath. I am out of money (financialese for broke/ squeezed out etc.) and can't remember the last time I had a full night's sleep. We have had false starts, Braxton Hicks Contractions, baby hiccups and heartburn. All for this baby I now hold in my arms.

15th February 2005

It did not take Geeta and Avinash long to go in for a retake of the nine-month long drama. They are now the proud parents of three. Yes, the second innings yielded twins -- a son and a daughter.